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OH GURRLL!!!

OH LAWD ALMIGHTY NASTY TRANNY TOAST AND JAM! I have done LOST my damn eyesight! Hoo lawwwwdddddd what a damn MESS!

I was up on this webermasite and LAWD there was this werman up on there and she had a ballsack pursey! I ain't even lyin! She was all stretchin' it out actin' like she was gonna catch somethin' in it! Guruhl, look like she already caught it hurney!

Uh-uh, what a damn nasty triflin' bitch! I took one look at that pursey and I was like, "Lawwwd,, that ain't no pursey, it's a mursey, and have mursey on my big black ass for havin' ta look at it!"

I'd rather have Aunt Jackie put a dill pickle in my butt! Hallerleujah!
LAWD hurney, I was in the kerchin this morning and I was makin' me some eggs and grits and guruhl, if I didn't walk out for two minutes and that dang cracked-head Louise came in and took my damn eggs! Oh hell naw! And that grimy guntbutt spilt the salt shaker all over my great grits and hurney if they didn't turn out to be a salty mess!

She tried to act like she didn't even come up in my house and queef on my refridgeramater! I ran outside with those hot grits cuz hunty they was rurnt any damn way and I poured that hominy all ova that triflin white-ass pussy plug and then I hit that bitch in the head with the hotpot!

Now get off my lawn before I call the Ghostbusters to snatch yo ghost white ass up!

ignance

Oh LAWD, hurntey, my friend Tanisha took some new pickchers and uh-UH, you needs ta getcho eyebraws did, they's be lookin like Chewbaccamawacca! Guruhl, just GIVE IT UP if you tryin' to compensate fer that bald spot you got up on yo scalp! Naw, don't even try to say you is thinning, guruhl, we can all see that big ole crop circle up on yo noggin, don't play that shit with me, hurntey.

LLLLAAAAAAAAAWDDDDDDDDD you cannot UNNASTAND what has happened to me today. I was at the pool hall, you know that one by the church downtown, and child, I will tell you I saw this trailer park trash with eight teeth and huunnnney, I am bein genrous. LAWD, this bitch was rode hard and put up wet twice without even a thank you! Gurl, I fount out by my evasdroppin skills that she had done worked up at the Wolf Tushies strippin when she had a bun in the Ervin! And if y'all eva figga out who Ervin is and why they's a bun in him, y'all let a sista know. Anyway, guruhl, she was a toe up mess! Got a birthmark on the left and a surgamary scar on the right! Nose was crooked like Judge Doom and hurney it was as flat as he was at the end of that firlm, too LAWD child sista two-toned butthole tranny popcorn chicken wings!

This bitch was up swangin actin like she had some swagga but all she was is a bull dagga!

Peace out y'all nasties, cuz a bitch gotta get in tha bed! Bye y'all!
Ooh, chile, I has been on that Facebooks lately and playin all these games. They has a pirates game and the vampires and gurl, you can be in a sorority house or up in tha mafia!

But my favorite game is Rastrunt City! LAWD, they's so much to eat and I got me a BBQ rastrunt up in thur! Holla atcha boo!!!!

I spent so much damn time and runt up my credit card a whole $30 gurl it was MAXED OUT. Had debt collectors callin' me an I was like fuck this shit, so I sold my asian baby! SHIIIIIITTT wish I had dunt that sooner cause I was able to buy me a whole cart of 99 cent weave with the rest of it! Gurl I was stackin' cheese, but then I was straight stackin' weave!

That damn thing was loud as hell anyway. Afta 30 minutes, I had done wanted a different baby! Gurl, just like them Japanese Chinese Korean Vietnamese foods is! Ain't gonna keep a sista of Eve full fo a second!

Gurl, I am gonna start beauty school in a few munts now! I be cuttin up ALL OF YO HURRSSS babies. Y'all got some fingerwaves and a broccoli and some cornrows fuck that bitch, I'm gonna give you some watamelonrows! Sip on that koolaid! Haaay!
Hellerr to the ignant bitch takin her titty out at the Applebee's. You know I am trying to eat my barbecue ribs and I do not want to see yo wet nipple layin in yo dirty plate squirtin out dairy products on yo hursband's murstash. Now, I don't be mindin if you gots yo chirn up in thur and they is all, "Mama I'm hongry!" and you take turns feedin all eight of them cuz gurl I has had to do that and I was just BABYSITTIN so imagine what I gots to do at the house.

But yo hursband is a GROWNASS MAN, and he do not need to be lickin on yo nipple and makin it hot. If you did not figger it out, when I threw a fistful of bones up at yo old red cancer wig, I wasn't tryna to make you look like Betty Flintstone, I meant fo you to put yo crusty areola back in its boulder holder!

That's when I called the manger up axin fo yo ass to be kicked the fuck out and can I get some extra bbq saouse gurl you know these ribs is dry like a Michael Ian Black joke and can you fill up my lermanade, sista bout to choke on this quesadilla.

Well, I gots to get my panties off the ketchup bottle and put em back on and do a dine and dash... see yo asses next time... same black channel, same black ass!



Oh, hurney, I'm sorry, I didn mean to hit you in the head! I forgot you was under there! I'll give you a real good tip next time, cross my heart!

Stereo Types

Gurl, there was this damn bitch in the mall at the FYE the other day and she was some Mexercan werman talkin' 'bout she was tired of stereo types.

Well, get yo ass an iPod, then! Stop wurryen about it, shoo!

There ain't even that many to choose from, what the funk is she screamin' 'bout?

There is stereos for yo car and stereos for yo house. THAT IS IT! Why the hell you pitchin' a fit? She was all talkin' 'bout she was mad because stereo types don't usually fit... Well, girl, if you put them in the right damn place it fits just fine, don't be tryna stuff a 72" subwoofer in yo glove box, it ain't gonna werk.

People ain't got no damn Carmen Scents these days... guruhl, who is that, anyway, is she a DRAG QUEEN? I think I hert of her befo, she be doin' some shows with Lajikhal Ekkasplanashin... hurney, I ain't seen a show like that since that one episode of America's Top Model when Tyra was screamin' and cryin' and runnin' around with her hair all crazy and beatin' on some folks...

Well, that was evry show, but you know what I am tryna say, babies.

Oh, child, I forgot to tell y'all!
I was sittin' here on this computer all clickin' around on some stuff because guruhl, I do not know how this damn thing works, you lucky I can get on this shit I tried to get on that facespace or whatever it is called where you try to talk to some hoochies and your old classmates and holla at some tranny named Jeffree and he don't talk back, and some bitch who fucked yo ex hursband try to add request you and you is all like, HELL NAWWWW, BITCH! I am reportin' yo ass as some spam because that is an insult as we all no nobody eats that shit and ain't nobody gonna go down on yo greasy fish farm!

Anyway, I be tryna text people on there and it open up some porn website or I tryna talk to this guy named Tom and I don't think he like me much because he only mersaged me the one time to welcome me and then I axed him if he wanted to come over and cut the lights on so he can see what I can do with my snatch and he ain't mersaged me back since then... he must be ascurred of the black sistas, but baby, it's good to put a lil choklit in yo mulk evry naw an then.

Anyway, it turned out I tried to change my password, ended up deleting my whole mybook I'd worked on it for three days had me two pictures up and a background and five comments and they was all GONE. Ain't doin' all that work for not shit, for REAL.

Guruhl, back to what I had been talkin' 'bout.

I was wavin' that mouse around tryna click on this picture folder I had of some sex tapes me and Jerome had made, and this box popped up and it said somethin' 'bout some wireless confections and I was like, "what the funk is that, guruhl, I don't know nobody gonna plug in a donut." So I was clickin' all on there, beatin' the shit out of that mouse hopin' I could get that winder closed and gurul, it popped up this thing that said I was connected, I was like, "What am I connected TO? I ain't connected to no DONUT, I hope."

Well, I fell asleep on the keyboard a few minutes later cause guruhl, I'd just ate a whole turkey an you know what that does. I woke up and google search was up on my screen I was like, "how the hell is this up in here, I do not have the innanet" GURL it turns out Jerome had bought me a wireless thing that connects to the innanet and hurney, I was stealin' Tanisha's bandwidth!

I tol' Jerome that I didn't know what a bandwidth was, but I was sure if it was Tanisha's that it was pretty damn wide and I did not have room for that shit in my house; he just looked at me and shook his head.

So I am happy for me and happy for you, babies, because now I can update like a mofo fo shosho and y'all can get y'all weekly dosage of my big black ass... now get down on yo knees and give me a rusty harmonica!

Writer's Block: Jackpot

If you won the lottery, what would you do with your newfound riches?


GURL, ferst of all, I miss all you damn fat bitches out there with they corn up in they weave talkin' 'bout they gon' eat it fo breakfest.

Now y'all know Gertie loves y'all, and hurney, as soon as I get back on the innanet instead of being on Taquonda Lamonda's computa up in here 80 miles from my house, I will be puttin' up some entries like a mofo fo' sho sho. Maybe two munts, okay babies?

Now gurl, if I was winnin' the lottry, I would be goin' CRAAZZYYY!!!!
I be buying me some dyoman rangs and some apple bottom jeans and that new Lil' Wayne CD because gurl, I ain't even had the GAS to get to da Wal-Mart to get that shit!

I'd buy Tanisha some plexiglass serguree, cuz gurlfriend wouldn't have no results wit' no plastic shit.

Marvin would be gettin' a new house on the other side of tha earf and far as hell away from my ass as possible.

I would buy Janet Jackson a new bra 'cause girlfriend is havin' some wardrobe malfunctions all the time.

Well, gurl, you know, I am really beginning to think this Livejournal shit makes my bowels move because I gots to GO. see ya on the flip side!
Hurney, I was going down East Colfax to get on highway 25 lord I was going to the grocery store over there in the West Hills, guruhl, they has got some DEALS.

I found some pork ham for 99 cent a pound and some red beans for 10 cent a can and collard greens 18 cent a bunch! Lord, there was toasted turkey-and-cheese sammiches $2.99 each and some dinner rolls 8 cent a pack hurney I found me a watermelon for a DOLLA. Can't beat that!

Got me some chitlins and beef stew and radishes and banana milkshakes and 18 sacks of potatoes guruhl them potatoes was THREE DOLLAS for all of them! Hurney, I snatched them up like a child molestor stealin' a baby!

I was walkin' down near the pole beans and the fruits and vegetables and I saw this man with three chins and he had on this grimace with teeth comin' out the side of his mouth had bruises all over him one black eye one red eye both of them all cracked up had eight pieces of hair and two of them was on his lip I was like, "Clean-up on aisle seven... there is a MESS!"

He was MAD and I don't blame him, I'd be angry too, if my face was all melted like Mystery of the Wax Museum!

Well, babies, I am about to cause a wreck typing this update on my cellphone while I drive down the interstate so I'm gon' talk to you later!

Terrorism

Good sweet Jesus Mary Godchild Burgersnapper Mushroom Motherflippers! I was driving this morning to Chicken Phillay and hurney I saw something that made MARVIN look like Halle Berry!

There was this 300 pound black werman hurney she had no shirt on her titties sittin' on her knees tryin' to get her wheelchair out the front door lord she was a WRECK. Hurney, she was THE WRECK. Yellin' at me tryin' to get some help I was like, "Hurney, put on a motherflippin' shirt maybe that would help you out a bit! It would sho nuff help me out!" I called the police talkin' 'bout hurney I found that escaped gorilla y'all better come get this aminal for I shoot the fuck out of it with my .59! Lord, that was an act of terrorism hurney I was TERRORIZED!

Lord, there was this werman at the Dolla Tree she was axin' fer a PRICE CHECK what are you talkin' 'bout bitch, this is the DOLLAR TREE there is some big ole signs up there sayin' everything's a motherflippin' dollar and if it ain't a dollar it is less than a dollar! Hurney, if you checkin' if somethin' is 33 cent cause you can't afford a damn dollar, lord, what is your problem I shit dollar bills hurney I have found dollar bills in my motherflippin' weave and you talkin' 'bout how you can't afford a damn dollar hurney if you didn't spend $160 on those Tims maybe you would have some coins in yo fuckin' purse!

Lord, I have GOT to go get some damn Chinese food I need me a buffet guruhl always bring a big purse with some togo boxes in it you gonna have leftovers for a week!

Bye y'all!

No More Marvin!

I am NOT invitin' Marvin over no damn more! I thought he was just a hot mess, but guruhl, he is a DAMN mess like I have been callin' some ignant fokes. Child, he came in wearin' some shit looked like a Wal-Mart knock-off! Hurney, it had these two bands one coverin' up his Uncle John and the other one over his breastsases and it was all lime green shaped like an upside-down petunia looked like it had spiderwebs on it child there was all this lacey shit at the bottom purple roses all over the damn place and this big ole red bow right up on the top and Lord you could see his cleavage it was all hurry looked he was wearin' a fur coat tween his titties wearin' a leather jacket over it talkin' 'bout he tryin' to compose himself I was like, "Hurney, the only thing you gonna compose is a death march. Bitch, yo dress is killin' me!"

I was like, "Marvin!" and he was all, "Latrelle! It's Latrelle! Latrelle! Latrelle! It's Latrelle! It's Latrelle! Latrelle! It's Latrelle!" and he was talkin' 'bout his back hurtin' guruhl he was in a wreck he had been drivin' and there was some clown in the middle of the road hurney he thought he was hallucinatin' but guruhl it was really a clown and he ran right into that poor soul busted his car all up hurney he ain't been the same since, that's what he said child I don't know to believe it or not.

He was fell out in my floor tryna do some push up shit hurney and I had been babysittin' Tanisha's dog Sprinkle and hurney that chewedwawa jumped up ON that shit humpin' and beatin' and tearin' into Miss Marvin Latrelle HOOOOOO, it was a SITE. I was tryna pull that dog off beatin' on it screamin' at it Marvin was all like, "Oh, it's alright. Let him finish!"

THE FUCK? "HELL NO, YOU NASTY SKEEZY DOG DICK LICKIN' MUTHAFUCKER! I KNOW YOU DID NOT SAY YOU WANTED A DOG TO SCREW YO DIRTY NAPKIN WIPED ASS!" Lord, I straight up pulled out my glock popped a cap in his ass he was runnin' out the door cryin' and yellin' guruhl disturbed MY fuckin' peace hurney the cops was next door smokin' crack with Tanisha didn't even come over and check it out, Lord, they know I can handle my own.

Betta reconize!